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well this has been a while [Monday
November 14th, 2011]
i'm now on tumblr and never use this damn livejournal, except for posting on ONTD.

i'm single. for the first time in 2.5 years. that's odd.

i'm going to INDIA in 2 weeks. I can't wait.

i'm currently in the middle of finals and will post more once i have a break
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October 16th, 2009]
I have been neglecting my LJ for so long.

I feel like all I say on this thing is that I will write more, but I never do.

I guess its because tumblr is easier to manage. I wish there was a way to link the two so if I updates my tumblr, my livejournal will update as well.

This winter I will be starting a new chapter in my life. I will hopefully be starting at a new school, one where I will actually enjoy being at.

I guess time will tell!
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College [Monday
April 20th, 2009]
I am almost done with freshman year.

I feel so cut off from everyone. I don't watch tv. I don't listen to the radio. I get tid bits from CNN when I go to get my bagel and coffee in the morning. It is such a weird feeling.

I need to feel the normalcy of normal life again.

I miss it.
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March 11th, 2009]
Man, things have changed a lot.

I just spent the past few minutes reading over old entries. I had to make many of them private because of who they were talking about. We're ok now. However our relationship will never be the same.

That is life I guess.
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Not Gonna Lie [Wednesday
March 11th, 2009]
I miss posting in this thing.

I have a tumblr and a blogger.

this just feels like home haha
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never trust a hoe [Tuesday
December 9th, 2008]
i should of known better than to trust you.

never ever give your heart away to someone. all they are going to do is smash it to pieces.

i have learned my lesson.

never again.
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asshole. [Sunday
December 7th, 2008]
I am an asshole. I am a bitch. I'm a tease. I'm a horrible person.

I lead a guy on, but I haven't stopped flirting. He kissed me last night. The whole time I was thinking of someone else. I don't know what I am going to do. I really don't. He is a good friend, I don't want to hurt him.

I am such a guy. I don't believe in relationships. Maybe thats because I was raised to think that way. I was raised to believe that you don't need anyone else but yourself. I am too independent to give in now. I have so much I want to do. I don't want to have to worry about another person.

I need to get out. I need to start over. I don't what I am doing anymore. I have changed everyday that I have been home. I miss Chicago, but I am itching for a new place.

I should just pack up and leave.
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Hello Old Friend [Thursday
December 4th, 2008]
I really need to update this thing. For a long time this is where I vented and wrote everything. Now I barely use it. Maybe because there are a quite a few entries about an ex-love of my life. I don't know.

I live in Chicago now, well Lincoln Park if you want to get specific. I love it. I have always loved the city. However, I am on break now until January 3rd. It is so nice to be home, expect for the fact that I go stuck on the stupid ice. Sometimes I hate snow.

I want to move somewhere new. I know, I just said how much I love Chicago, but I get bored easily. I need something new and fresh. I knew I wouldn't be able to stay in one place for too long. I guess that is just typical Megan. I can never make up my mind.

I need sleep. I am home alone all weekend. My family went to New York. I stayed behind to watch the babies, aka the pets. We got a new kitten this week. She has no name as of yet. I am sure we will figure it out.

I pinkie promise, even though I doubt anyone reads this dang thing, that I will update more.
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Week 2 [Wednesday
September 17th, 2008]
I have been neglecting this blog for too long. I remember when I used to update at least once a day. This blog was my outlet. I have entries going back to some of my roughest times. I read them and look at how much I have grown as a person. Now, that I am in college I need to grow even more. I need to grow and become the adult I know I can be. I have so much to say right now, but I am in class and cannot.

I need to update this.

I want to updat this.

I know that no one reads it, but that doesn't matter. This is for me.
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Oh my gosh [Friday
September 12th, 2008]
I have not updated in so long. I need to get my butt in gear.

I am finally out of Crystal Lake. I am living in Lincoln Park in Chicago. I love it. I have been here almost a week and it already seems like home.

I live in an Andy Warhol hell. My wall is covering with his quotes. I know it is cliche to love him, but I do. He fascinates me.

I want to have my life be filled with as many colors and characters as possible. I want to change everyday. I want to surrond myself with people who challenge me. I need to become more creative. I want to live my life un-afraid of every corner and obstacle.

I am ready.

Get Set.

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Words [Monday
July 28th, 2008]
For once in my life I have nothing to say. Usually sarcastic and smart ass comments escape from my lips. I know what to say at the right time. It feels like someone has turned my barin off. I don't know why. Well I have an idea, but I have to keep it inside. I don't want to make things even more difficult as they are now. I tried so hard. Now I am just making a fool of myself, but what else is new?

Even now I am having trouble trying to think of words to say. I don't what is going on. Whenever I'm not with Holly and Brittany I'm reading in the bathtub with candles lit and a book in my hand. However, I have become more outgoing. I am not afraid anymore. Except, when I am around him. I am exactly how I described in the previous paragraph, but worse. I put my foot in my mouth and become one of those stupid girls. He blinds me. That is the only way I can describe. I know nothing will come out of it, nothing ever does, but a girl can dream.

What am I going to do with myself?

I am such a hopeful- The Bridges
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from my facebook [Wednesday
July 23rd, 2008]
Lately I have been dealing with some personal issues. I need to get them off my chest. This is long, just deal okay?

My mother might have colon cancer. We don't know for sure. She is going Thursday for an endo and colonoscopy. If they find something she will immediately go into surgery. I am really scared. My mother is my backbone. She and I are so close. I can't imagine how I am going to handle being away from here while she is going through all of this. Those who know my mother know how strong she is. She broke her leg, had two cysts removed from her brain, and went through a nasty divorce, yet she still finds a reason to wake up every morning and smile. If I could find the smallest amount of strength that she has I know I will be alright.

Personally, I have been struggling. I grew up not feeling close to God. My family hardly went to church. Once I started to go through my own personal issues sophomore year I started to pray. In a short few months I found the power of God. Many of my prayers had been answered. I finally felt his love. Now, several years later I am questioning it. I have never felt so disconnected from my faith. It scares me. I am scared that I am going to lose my ground. I need to feel that closeness and that relationship again.

I know some of you don't support religion, but bare with me if I come to vent. I need my friends more than ever know.

My friends, wow I don't know where to start. You all have given me such support lately. I know my life would never be the same without you.

Brittany and Holly, what can I say? You two are my best friends in the entire world. We have been through hell, yet that still hasn't brought our friendship down. I meant what I said when I want you both to be in my wedding and raise our kids together. We are friends for life.

Stephanie. Thank you so much for your ability to put a smile on my face. You are someone that can say two words and put a smile on my face. I thank you for that.

Sadie. You are full of selfless love. Your faith has inspired me to become a better Christian and person. I am forever greatful for your support.

Jessica. We have known each other since well, before we were born haha. I can't wait for you to come home. You and I have gotten quite closer the past few months, and I am very happy about that. You're one of my best friends, practically family.

To all of my other friends, I appreciate every single one of you. Thank you.
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I apologize [Tuesday
July 22nd, 2008]
I know no one reads this, but I like to think that somehow I can turn this little blog into something meaningful.

I have not lived a normal life. I realized that fact the other day.

I have moved so many times, eight to be exact. I took a little bit of each place with me as I packed up boxes and moved. New York City gave me my love for fashion. California gave me my laid back attitude. Illinois gave me a home. I have lived in the state since I was kindergarten, with intermissions in NYC, Houston, and Northville. Even though I loved living in those places, nothing comforts me more than home. Every time I stay somewhere for a while and I come home I realize how much I missed it. I will be the first to admit I complain about Crystal Lake, but I know there is no place I would rather call home. I move to the big city, Chicago, in September. I am scared like no other, but really excited. I love Chicago. It is the only other place that feels like home. I can't wait to discover new places and live in one of the greatest cities in the world.

My family was never whole. My father always traveled. Whenever he was home he felt like a stranger. I guess he and I used to be close when I was little, but I don't remember. The only memories I have now are the bad ones. The memories of him screaming, yelling, and using force are the only ones left. I knew one day he would leave, but when the day came I was still caught off guard. I slipped into a hole of depression and suicidal thoughts. I did not know how to deal with what was going on in my life. Instead of talking, I cut. My cutting issues started quite a few years before, but that is an entirely different blog. I wore long sleeves to gym. I tried to hide my arms as much as I could. The pain only seemed to go away when I bled. It was like a drug, it comforted me. Then one day I told my best friends. I finally needed to let my secret out. They encouraged me to tell my parents. That night I confessed. I pushed up my sleeve and became the most vulnerable I have ever been. Less than 24 hours and a night full of tears later I was in treatment. My inpatient treatment lasted for a week. Within the last few days I felt a change in myself. I knew I could make it. I knew I could break through the fog and survive. I am forever thankful to those at the hospital in Woodstock. They saved my life.

Oh gosh, I need to get in bed. I will update tomorrow. I forgot how therapeutic writing can be.
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April 11th, 2008]
I have been horrible lately! I have been ignoring this thing for certain reasons. Mainly the entries about a certain boy. I need to start updating and become more active on livejournal. I'm on the site everyday, I just never post anything. I'm too much of a lurker. I promise I will update, even though I don't think anyone reads this. It is nice to know my words are out there.
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It won't be soon before long [Thursday
January 3rd, 2008]
Its been a while since I've updated this thing. I might as well let the like two of you who read this what has been going on.

My college applications are done, I'm 99.9% positive I'm going to DePaul in Chicago. I mean it makes sense. I love love love the city, if my username doesn't give it away. Its far enough from home so that I won't get homesick. I will at least know a few familiar faces. I also got into Loyola and Minnesota waitlisted me. I have yet to hear from Baylor or TCU.

I'm officially single. Yeah, we're just friends now. Even though its so hard to talk to him on a friends level. I want to breakdown everytime we say goodbye and there are no "i love yous" or pet names. Now we say nothing, its just bye or sometimes we just stop talking. I hate it, but I have to deal with it. There is nothing I can do.

This was the first time I truly opened up and let someone in. It was so hard for me to do it, and now I know why I don't, it hurts like hell. I'm not opening up my heart for a long time. I don't know how people can go through mulitple heartbreaks. I can barely deal with one. I'm locking up my heart and throwing away the key.

Supermodel bootcamp starts tomorrow. I'm determined to lose weight and eat better. I need to be confident with myself. No more bad stuff!

Thats pretty much all that has been going on, exciting I know.
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take me to neverland [Monday
November 19th, 2007]
I feel like peter pan. I don't want to grow up. I realized today how fast things are moving. Each day is flying by. Growing up honestly scares me. I feel like I'm not living each day to the fullest. One day I'm going to wake up and all of a sudden I'm 30. That I'm going to look back on my life and feel like I could have done so much more. I don't want that to happen. I need to start living each day like its my last. I want to do things the way I want to. I want to live my life.

My mother is right, I'm 17, I should be going out and having fun. Instead all I do is sit at home. I have a job now, so that will at least get me out of the house. I just need to work on getting my social life back.

Sophmore year was perfect. Even though that was the year that hell broke loose, ad I came this close to ending it all. I had so many friends. I never stayed home on the weekends. I was either hanging out at peoples houses or going to metermaid shows. I miss all of that, well maybe not some of the people. I hate being socially awkward, that's what I am. I need to break out of my shell. I need to reach out and make new friends. I need to.

Lately I've been feeling so disconnected to God. I hate it. I need to start going back to church, I need to. I miss the feeling of knowing that Christ is looking out for me. I want to be a better person, and church has helped me get there. Going to church for what an hour and a half each week made me feel like I'm not so small in this world. That no matter happens to me, someone always loves me. That someone will always be there for me.

Qoute of the day: Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
--Romans 12:9-12
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College [Saturday
October 6th, 2007]
I had my senior confernce with my councilor. She seems pretty confident that I can get into Boston or Colgate. I hope so! We'll see how my applications go.

We got into a debate in Sociology about tradition vs non-traditional families. This was the first time I put it all out there. Now everyone knows about the divorce and everything that has happened in the past two years. I was shaking afterwards. Wads pulled me aside and thanked my for sharing everything and not being scared. It's my life, why should I be ashamed? I have no reason to be.

"We're a bunch of over-privelaged kids wasting our parents money, listening to rock n roll, drinking like fishes, and still managing to get into ivy leauge schools", my good friend Jake said that.

That sums up my life, up until now. I need to make a change, I'm going to make a change.
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July 25th, 2007]
I remember the time during freshman year when people thought I was a junkie. I had bruises all over my arms, and track marks. They weren't from drugs, but from all the bloodwork the doctors were doing. I guess it was foreshadowing what would happen.

I have an addictive personality. Once I find something, I obsess over it and become addicted. When that finally wears off, I move onto the next. I can't help it, it's just the way I am.

My worst addiction was the cutting, on and off for three years. Finally winter of '05 it got the worst of me. I started moving to different places on my body, my left forearm got the worst of it.

I don't care if people stare, I wear my scars like cheetahs wear their spots. I'm not ashamed of what I did, nor do i regret. Without going through what I did I would not be the same person I am today.

I live with no regrets, just reminders of the places I never want to go.
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July 22nd, 2007]
I can't take this anymore. The past few days have been hell.

First I get in a fight with Holly, who I have never ever fought with.

Tonight I relapsed, I was so upset I didn't know what to do.

I just can't do this anymore... I can't.
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Lost? [Friday
July 20th, 2007]
Her comments hit me like a freight train. Today is the first day in almost 2 years that I have felt his absence. It is hard for me to see you twice a week, and know that you are out there loving someone else, other than mom, and that you will never come home. You have hurt me so much, you lied straight to my face.

I'm waiting for the day when you make your addictions a reality. I have seen you spiral downhill and I can't catch you. I will be there for you when you finally hit the bottom. I help you restore the pieces in your life. I will not let you fail, I never will. I have overcome my problems, and I know you will too. You are so dear to me, and it would kill me to see you waste away.

It is time for me to get my ass in shape. No more junk food, only whole grains, fruits, veggies, and yogurt from now on. I need my figure back. I need to be skinny again. I have let myself go so much that I can't even recognize myself in the mirror. I need to be myself again.

I need to find Megan.
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